well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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