I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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