You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
