I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
