I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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