You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
