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Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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