i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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