it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
