You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
