i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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