Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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