Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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