Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
