Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
