Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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