I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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