Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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