Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
