my phone needs a breathalizer
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
