The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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