just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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