I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She's the barista slut.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Randomize
