There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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