remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
