had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
