Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
