Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
