Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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