Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
How external is "for external use only"?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
