Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
