Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Girls should come with a carfax report
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
