____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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