Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
