so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
