if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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