i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
