i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
