I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
