how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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