did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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