If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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