I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
