just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Holy sore nipples Batman
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
