I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
