I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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