Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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