I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
