I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
