At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
